Perfection

I am perfect, It is true I am, just ask me.
So why am I so perfect? what is perfection?
I am sure some of you now think I must be arrogant, self absorbed, cocky, and obviously disillusioned if I think I am perfect. It is not that when I first meet people I forewarn them I am perfect, let the truth be known I have never said to anyone I am perfect, not in all seriousness as I am saying it now. This is the first time I am telling anyone in all honesty how darned perfect I am, I thought it might be an idea to let hundreds know at the 1 time.
Some people say no one is perfect only God, whom ever your God may be.
So lets get to why I think I am perfect!
I stand in front of the mirror, naked, this is not the prettiest thing to see, though it is changing and changing how I want it too, Grab a handful of fat and wobble it, yes its still there, Do some of the belly dance moves I am learning, Yes still shakes, rolls and wobbles, though it is perfect!
My eyes stunning, glistening, sparkling, perfect!
My smiles, wide and true, perfect!
My hair shinning and healthy, perfect!
I breath in deep, hold it and breath out, I am in a good state of mind and relaxed which is, perfect!
I am at some stages at my life where I would not use the word perfect though it also does not mean it is not "perfect." I am happy and in love, so very happy and in love. This does not make me see things through rose coloured glasses, oh no no no it makes you realise that I am happy and in love with me! That is what makes me perfect. No waking up in the morning, rolling your over sized butt out of bed and standing up to see an unhappy person looking back at you in the mirror, No I stand proud I proclaim this is me, this is who I am, to love, accept and improve if I so desire.
Stand up and accept yourself for who you are, once you love yourself and accept that loving yourself and being happy is not selfish you will see, you too ARE PERFECT!!!!

A Letter

This letter just flowed out of my heart, At this moment I will not tell you who it is too, I wonder if any of you would like to guess? Feel free to guess I have a lovely gift for anyone guessing correctly or even incorrectly. Thank you all for reading my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Firstly,
Know I have never forgotten you, I am sorry I have never always treated you with the respect and love you deserve. There is much work I have to do to get your trust back, Know that I love you, You are a part of me and always with me, Carrying me through life even when I neglected you. I have never stopped loving or respecting you, Just went through some testing times and forgot my priorities, I promise not to do that again.
I am now all ears, I will listen, I will not abandon you again, I see the punishment I have to live with and together we can work through this and mend what has been broken, taken for granted.
You have carried me through this for so long and I thank you for it, YOU ARE my life, you are my future and my past, I shall never again ignore you or take you for granted as I have for the last years, together this battle we face together, we can conquer and divide, the sky is the limit, tomorrow is our future and yesterday our past.

Light House

Standing so tall and proud
Your walls so high an powerful
you give light to those who seek it
Offering without reward

Though no one sees your slow erosion
The pounding you take over time
Your beautiful strength being disrobed
your window of light dimming to a flicker


The landscape calling into darkness
No one seems to be aware
Seeing you broken I can not bare
Hasty maintenance I do in despair

I too have been the lighthouse,
Helping people before they are stranded
Guiding their way when they ask
being their pillar of strength.

combing the shores picking up pieces
Washing them clean and helping them together
I once had built walls so strong and true,
protection from the world of waves

Being restored I now walk the warm sandy beaches
seeking for your lovely walls to be restored.
Your window of light bright once again,
giving hope to those who seek it.


My mind would once again be filled with strength and power.
My eyes again filled with light and hope,
That I would once again be the giver of love.
The Lighthouse of Strength.

Now He listens part 2

Well it seems he "listened" but it seems he is not so darned well smart!!

You see when I think of hiding places I do not thing the normal ways, let me give you some examples, I have once placed my secret money stash in the seam of curtains, yes I undone the sewing and slipped the paper money in. When putting together an IKEA flat pack I have put important papers in it while building it, make note here I do not do it anymore as you all know it now, and it was also papers I knew I would not need for years! well chances are never need them but hey!

So lets think, Richard "listened" and hide the scales, ok under the bed would be to obvious and in the deep freezer is just stupid. So any guesses where else would be so obvious that I could find them? well let me tell you with a little story.

It is getting very cold here in The Netherlands and we have an open fire, I totally love the open fire and with every chance I get I will put the fire on, so the other day we got some wood and I started the fire, while pulling out the wood storage box from under the fireplace I was shocked (not really) to see my bathroom scales there, NOW a hint to all you mean, stop being so bloody obvious, see why females can hide affairs better then men? You all are not to smart!! This is also why the female always does the Sint thing, Santa and Easter bunny, so ask your parents who always hide the gifts so no one could find them, Darned sure it was not the male!!!!

So to the comments made on my last entry

DutchBitch said...

LOL... he's a good boy afterall... ** I don't know about that Bitch you got no idea how he is the rest of the time.**

WaG! said...

And now she found them! Great... *grmbl* **yes because you lack imagination**

And a good boy "afterall"? Wondering what she's been telling about me now... **only the truth**

Angry said...

You do know, don't you, that there is a BIG difference between hearing and listening. Men hear very well, we're just very poor listeners. ** Angry we know, as you know there is a BIG difference in what you want and what you get, also what you need and what you want ~grins~

...That Bitchy Chick said...

You're ahead of me...I don't even own any scales. And I wasn't too fond of your scales either, by the way! lol **I am not fond of them truthfully just the numbers getting smaller and smaller, just wish every number off my scales was added to my bank account**

WaG! said...

Ladies... There is a HUGE difference between "hearing" and "wanting to understand what a woman says"...

*hides quickly now* **there is no use hiding I know where you sleep, Though you have a point, though who the hell do you think invented selective hearing? Us females can multi task as where the only multi tasking men can do is reading on the toilet and pooping, or spanking the monkey and thinking of someone else, other then that I think you are lost, no wait, beer drinking and car racing at the same time, you get my drift, lock your door tonight while you sleep or sleep with 1 eye open**

Can anyone tell I am hormonal and bitchy right now?
anyways back to happy thought I am going to go shower, gym then post a poem I just wrote!!!

Now he listens!

I can not believe it, I have been telling Richard for so long "hide the bathroom scales"
I am jumping on them every morning to see if I am losing weight and do you know how frustrating it is to see the numbers the same, or even if it goes down by 1 or 200grams it is not fast enough for me, even though it is going in the right direction.
This morning I woke up, went to answer the call of nature and thought, hmmm time to get on the scales, WHAT??? WHERE ARE THEY??? we have 2 and they are both gone, he listened to me and hide the gosh darn scales, ohh he will not remove all his snacks from the house like candy and chocolate noooo, he listens to about nothing other then remove the scales and hide them and now I am frustrated, am thinking of going to the gym just to weight myself, they have some there!!!!
I am getting stronger and have self control with all the snacks and bad foods but the scales!!! oh my I need my scales. Well I guess in a week when I beat him up and torture him to get them for me I will, or better be amazed with how much weight I have lost!
Next milestone here I come!!!

Who's life ?

I have sat down and thought about life lately, there are so many parts to life to think about and it is hard to know where to start. The reason I have been thinking of life is because I just wonder what direction I want/need to head in also a friend of mine I want to slap a little because their thinking of life is very unhealthy for them.
So here I was standing in the shower, hair full of bubbles eyes closed the shower feeling like rain softly falling over my naked body the bubbles flowing down my soft skin, relaxing, smiling remembering being home standing under a waterfall in the tropics. When I think of nothing and am relaxed things just flow softly through my head unlike the gridlock it usually experiences like a peak hour traffic race to get home.
Then it hit me like a sledge hammer, ME! that is it ME! life is all about me, it is "my life" I do not owe anyone, I owe myself to be happy, to be healthy and in turn it will flow onto others.
For many many years I was not worrying about myself my daughter and others, I would get up go to work only think about the next thing the ex would do and in turn that made me think of my daughter and to protect everything we had and to try to control it! So I would work myself into the ground to get the money to save for my daughter for the next court appearance, make sure she had EVERYTHING she wanted, yes I see it now, I spoilt her, gave her everything I did not have as a child, she had cloths bursting out of the cupboard, shoes, Not many toys like barbie or cars as we use to go out a lot, though loads of books and educational things/toys, after that world fell apart I went into a deep depression, I put on a lot of weight even though I keep using the excuse of my accident as the main reason for my weight, which it does have something to do with it but how long can one have an excuse that happened many years ago?
I have no excuse for why I have not thought of myself in my life, I have been in a deep depression, I have been on the edge of a mental and physical breakdown and yes I had support from some friends but the only person that can lead my life is ME, not control I learnt the hard way you cant control life, there are just somethings in life you can not control, one has to take the best out of a bad situation and deal with it, learn from it.
My life is exactly that My Life I do not owe anyone in this world anything, that does not mean I am a heartless bitch, it means I need to choose very carefully who I want in MY LIFE, I do not need energy drainers in my life, I should not have to feel obligated to anyone.
Yes I am a mother, I chose for that and I am lucky I am a mother who has a great kid and I feel honoured to have her in my life and that she wants to be in mine, that I cherish greatly, it is also the same with my friends. I have a selected few friends that have that title as not everyone I know is a friend, I think I can could maybe name 5 who have the title friend, 1 has the title best friend and I am once again honoured to have them in my life. They add positive vibes in my life, never draining me not even when they are on a downer and depressed, that is what friends are for, a shoulder to leave on, to carry you when you can not walk any further.
I think I would actually be upset if one of my friends did not call on me when they need me, I do not care if it is 2am in the morning, call me I am always there for you, I do not give the title friend to any tom dick or harry, I have chosen you for a reason as you have chosen me, we have qualities that enrich each other, add to each other do not deny me of my "duty" as a friend and it is a duty I love respect and honour.
Living in this world where everyone is our for themselves, "In a selfish way" I just want people to know looking after yourself is not selfish even though sometimes it might feel like it. You may love family but you owe them nothing, you may love your lover but you owe them nothing, you may love your friends but you owe them nothing, not if they are draining you and running you into the ground, sit and think about it, would a family member, a lover, a friend only take take take and drain you, run you into the ground and break you if they really cared and love you?
Self love, caring for number 1 YOU is what life is all about, surround yourself with the positive and the negative is just a mud puddle to jump over.
The reason I sat and thought about this blog is because I know a certain someone (or 2) that feel they owe people and I slowly see them self destructing and it upsets me greatly, know someone loves you, know someone is here for you to carry now, you are no burden I assure
Yes they are words from my all time favourite song I think of a curtain person when I hear this song and it makes me cry why ? I am not totally sure, maybe because I wish they would be strong enough to just let go, but the trust in the friendship to the test, let me carry them for a while it takes a stronger person to let go of their feelings/emotions to stand up for themselves then a person to put on a mask and do what people expect from them, remember its YOUR LIFE, it was never meant to be easy this thing called life, but that is why we have friends, to help you through them bad times and believe me when I say it, there is a brighter future and how bad can the travelling be in the dark times when you have a friend to take over for you and carry you? really how bad can it be? be strong, be yourself and if you find yourself weak call me ANYTIME, I am a phone call away, and maybe a drive or flight away.

So to close here are some lines I pulled out of my song,
"Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down"
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you, forever in me
Ever the same.

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only
give you love
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me"

Now I remember

I remember now why I liked being fat, males left me alone! I want to be left alone thank you!
Today was the testing day from hell!!! I wanted to shove everything in my face to put on the kilos and cm without fail, drink the whisky, eat the chocolate, have McDonald's every day 3 times a day and eat every ice cream I see!
I spent more then half the day in the police station today and going over my story many times I am finding it very hard to talk about and even harder to deal with. I tried to be strong and to put a front up, a smile on my face but it is really hard!
A worker come to the house today to change the gas meter and electrical meter, and to cut a long story short it seems he was here for more then that, he decided it was appropriate to wrap his arms around me, place his head/face on my chest, grab my hands all the time and say to me "come on follow me we go upstairs" I could not push this "person" fast enough away I am sure my elbow bruised him, stupid me did not kick him out of the house and the reason being that it was going through my head "holy shit my house is going to blow up" as he had taken the gas meter off and some gas had to leak out of the pipelines and I was thinking, "guy about to get a knee in the balls? or house blowing up?"
When this whole ordeal was over he was leaving and I made fucking sure he had everything though he did mentioned he can come back, I think not!
On his exit of my private space called my house that he just violated he turned and said " I know where you live and I have your phone number" I felt my skin crawl. I am sitting on edge, my curtains are closed and tomorrow he is summonsed to the police station and will be arrested, This guy has lost his job because of what he has done and now I see his words as he was leaving as a threat, though I seen the words as the threat when it happened.
Tomorrow if I pull myself together I am going to the gym, I WILL be driving even though it is only a few meters down the road, Do you think I will be taking any chances seeing he is going to be at the police station just a few hundred meters up the road from my gym? I think not.
You monkey arse dirty perv who was walking around my house harassing me and walking around with an erection in my private area, you deserve everything coming to you, you have no right to invade my privacy, you work(ed) in the public sector, people trusted you to come into their houses, to do your work and to leave, that is what you are paid for, not to sexually harass people and make them feel uncomfortable and violated in their own fucking house, I do not know what on earth made you do what you did but I would love to hear some answers, if you even know them yourself, I will get strong, I will not let this affect me or imprison me, but do not cross my path, I will get over the scared stage and it will turn into the anger and frustrated stage as right now I am looking over what happened and thinking of " what if I done this or that" and believe me, cross my path and your hands will not be able to touch anything at all let alone another human and I promise you, you will never be able to have another erection in your life!
ok I vented, now I am going to get some rest, I need my strength

Just 1 week

I have been trying so hard not to jump on the scales every day and to go jogging everyday, ok truth be known there are some days I just do not get out there to jog, though I do get on my stepper or exercise bike if I do not jog, So I am doing something everyday.
You see last week I done close to 6km with my daughter, well I have been holding that route and adding a HUGE hill to it, well to me it is a huge hill! No laughing at the picture it looks so small but it is 23meters high and it is hard to do jogging up it at the END of route.Today I cut 15 minutes off my time, wow it feels good. I had not timed myself for the last week then get amazed with the leaps and bounds I take, I need to take a page out of my own book and only jump on the scales once a week, Ggggrrrr time for these kilos to fall away!!
I am trying so hard to drink a lot of water everyday but it does not happen when I am out and about with friends, you see I have a new handbag and the bottle just does not fit in my handbag, Yes I know it is no excuse as I could carry the bottle too or put it in my jacket pocket.
Fitness is also darned expensive, Friday I got all the things my Personal Trainer has told me to use to help things along, Multi Vitamins, Omega 3, Protein and it seems so much more DARN it was just about 100euro, it is going to cost the same as a gym every year! Anyone know any bulk stores to get these things at?
BUTTTTTTTT I am loving it, loving the fitness, loving getting out in the fresh air even today in the rain though not loving looking in the mirror naked, seems my body is having a rest at losing cm, or it is me getting use to it, time to lose another dress size so I can see it is going forward!

My Arse

WARNING: This post contains girls talk so men look away now or forever have this image burnt into your brains.

So here I am close to 10 in the morning, I have done some training, I have done some ironing and now I am slowly eating my breakfast so while eating I click on the TV, why not I say.
Clicking thought all the new digital TV we have, yes am slow no keeping up with the 100 different channels as I am not a huge TV watcher, well not these days. Stopping on Chanel 23, hmm whats this? I , hmm, It, Is that? OK its a fashion TV station and I am sitting here watching half naked females "walking" up and down the runway in bra's and strings and it struck me, I have always wanted to be like that, always sitting there thinking, if I looked like that my world would be perfect, OK that is the mindset most females have, I use to think the most powerful thing a female could have is the perfect body, that perfection is a dress size, now I know different, you do not have to be skinny and stunning to be feminine or to ooze sex appeal as everyone has different taste (thank goodness)
**chuckles** Then it happened!!!! please please **falls to her knees begging** do NOT let me look like that,First off they stomp in shoes that is just wrong, what did them poor shoes do to you to deserve that kind of treatment? I never realized it till now but they are just thin, I mean that is it, thin, no tone, with the acception of one or two and wow they looked amazing with bums of steel. As they stomp up the runway their legs wobble worse then mine, then they turn ** deep gasp** ok small arse, will give you that but it is just a shaking mess, Ok ok I am not perfect far from it duhh no news flash there as I have just started my journey of losing weight, More power to them that people drool all over their bodies and they get to say "Well I am a model" Maybe that is what they like, I myself am not looking for that, yes and who am I to judge who they are and how they look, I am just pointing out how I do not want to be, give me a firm flex any day.
Sitting here scratching my head why I ever wanted to be like that? I see some of them now without all the fancy touches, my goodness was I living in a fantasy world, I am naturally pretty, I can go without the makeup and still look stunning because I am drop dead sexy from the inside, and my arse is NOT going to be a shaking bowl of jelly like their.. ohh ewwww please poking out hip bones and wobbling butts!
There is my 2cents worth and I am sticking to it! give me my jogging, sit ups and gym workouts any day over a starvation diet just to be thin. Again I need to state I know not all of them starve themselves and some do workout and work hard to keep in shape though not the ones I have just seen **cries** and the stomping in them shoes I cant watch it anymore, lets see what is on animal plant!

The Delusion

Told you this would be my next blog, I feel I have to clear a few things up here, it is something I always thought and well it has to totally shattered and blown out of the water.
I was always scared of going to the gym because I would think everyone would look at this fat cow walking in there and lifting about 1kg of weights and sweating all over the place ready to die of a heart attack, well people I have news for you and it is pretty much all bad!
It took me 2 cancellations of a meeting and about 6 walks past the gym before I went in and then I still took someone with me (thank you Murat)
I do know there are some gyms out there that are just for plastic people, they look down their nose at the larger people and they are all lovely in shape and are very unaccepting to well hmm people like me so I think it is rather important to try a few gyms out, the gym I attend it is totally amazing.
I had no idea where I should start with my fitness so I got myself a personal trainer also to help me get over my delusion and feel more accepted (even though I didn't need it after all) after my first workout session I was empowered (this word seems to light for how I felt actually) and I joined the gym instantly and it is one of the best things I have ever done.
There are so many people of different shapes, sizes and ages at the gym it is refreshing to know my state of mind was just that, all in my head! I was even scared I would get there and be lifting the smallest weights and people laughing, but it is also not how much you lift that matters it is the action and movements you make, mind you I am a bigger build and due to my swimming when I was younger I am lifting a heck of an amount of weight lol.
Jogging, ok this is somewhat different, I am out jogging the streets and in the forest, truth be known I am the biggest person out there jogging that I have seen to date, though I really do not give a shit, I look at it like this, I am out there improving my health and my state of mind, the feeling I get from jogging (and most times walking to get my breath back) if refreshing, calming and just amazingly relaxing (unless I fall in a rabbit hole) I do not care if people comment about my big fat arse and tits bounding down the road as in a few months the will still be driving their car past me as I am jogging and they will have neck pain for a few days from double taking me then picking up their jaw and thinking " that was the fat chick from a few weeks back" then they will look down at their spare tire and think " why am I driving still I could have her body" Yup, always think positive, keep the eye on the mountain as the path you will travel over, right BD ?
The path is just the journey to the mountain and baby how good I will look at the top of that mountain!
positive positive positive, life is way to short to think of the negative, and that goes with everything that you endure every minute of the day!
I have a goal, it is not a number on the scales it is not a dress size it is a state of mind and well being! If I can break down the barriers I had of myself thinking there was no hope, anyone can, believe me on that!!!

Marathon Already ?????? **Help**

Today my daughter and I went out jogging, when she is here she loves to do it with me and for me it is real training as I have to jog really slow and it really tests me.
Today we picked a new route and it worked out really nice hills, sand and forest. (For my stalker it is ok I am not running it again so useless information for you)
Coming to the end of our jog my daughter seen in the other side of the forest there was a little marathon going on she looked at me and said " Mum mum look we can practise for the Dam tot Dam" oh my goodness I have created a fitness freak out of her lol she is as bad as me now with fitness and healthy eating but it is really cute, after we got home she said to me " look at my tummy I lost some kg already it is smaller" ohh so adorable.
So anyway here is the map of the jog today and it was such a lovely day out too, 5.8km lets say 6 to make me feel better lol (3.8miles for you Americans)

Before and During

well seeing it is not such a new thing to have embarrassing pictures of me on this blog anymore I may as well add it to.
As you all know I am attending the gym lately trying to get into shape, well seeing round is a shape lets say, trying to get an hour glass shape back also healthier, well here is what has happened thus far, lost 7kg, put on 3, lost 2 again then lost 3 BUT in all that time I have not put on size, I have lost 2 dress sizes and 10cm (4inches) from all over, 10cm from hips, 10cm from waist and opsss only7-8cm on my chest BUT without losing a cup size WOO HOO still an E cup, anyways here is the pictures and a new picture, you better see the difference or I kick butt. You cant see all the improvements as my cloths are hanging some what, the t-shirt is so stretched and the pants fall off my hips but they are the tightest fitting cloths I do have and I refuse to buy more till I lose more weight.

Long Day

ohh today is going to be a long day, I went to bed early! same time as my daughter so lucky she was dead tired also!
Woke up from a freaky dream, yup apparently I called a married man in my dream and his wife had a go at me! anyways I make note about married men **writes it in her book, no married me LOL**
Anyways , so I went to get my friends kid from school at 8:30 and looking after her all day then getting her 2nd kid from school at 3:15pm, then looking after them till dinner time then I am off to do some of my exams, oh what fun! not been to school to studied for months so this will be exciting! Only thing I am holding onto right now is the relaxation I will have at the gym in a few minutes, yup the gym is where I can clear my mind and have some fun! and if I don't lose my mind over the next week I better bloody well lose some weight! yes BD I am a huge drama queen :P