Then there was...........

Darkness, silence, sadness, disappointment.

When you are young you do not really have any worries in the world, only the worry if your mum made your school lunch with peanut butter for the 4th day in a row.
I started to think back on my not so easy or nice childhood and wondering when did I arrive here and how did I get here?

As a child if something went wrong I remember trying to cover up things I had done wrong with some off the planet excuses and stories and the fact we did not have a dog to blame most things on I was rather creative.
I had dreams and goals all where taken away from me, none of them I gave up to laziness.
I wanted to be a vet, I was told there was no use me going to university because I will become a mother and just stay at home and do nothing.
I was a great sports person, I broke many records in swimming and was training 6 hours a day when I was spotted by a swimming coach and taken under his wing I worked hard and I was heading to the U.S.A to swim for my country when my mother told me there was no future in it my mother never even went to one of my swimming races! An accident put an end to my swimming 2 weeks before I was to go to the U.S.A.
After that I had no plans, no goals and it is actually followed me through to my adult life.

I want to relax, not worry how to pay the next bill, I have many great ideas for business's but then there is the matter of getting the backing, I was stupid enough to tell a friend about a business idea and they had the money to do it, now they have NO problems with bills and are vacationing 3 times a year.

I see the darkness, the tunnel keeps getting longer. I never dreamed or thought of growing up like this, I just turned 32 it is not like my life is over but I have given up on trying.

I have friends who need help and I give them all the love and support I have but it makes me rotten to the bone to think that what they really need help with is money, why is money so evil ? Why does everything have to revolve around it ?
When I was a child I never had worries or thoughts about it, If I was a swimmer I was doing it for fun, even when I started working at the age on 14 I done it because I liked it even though I actually had my own bills also, back then the world seemed to be small, not so angry and selfish as it is today, it feels like I have stayed in the same place and things, people have grown up and around me and I dislike it very much, I want to be in the perfect world but I know it is not realistic, I do not have the desire to be in a world where it is a dog eat dog, kill to survive world. I have a heart and I am only human, I care and I love and if it keeps me poor as in currency then I shall live in a cardboard box as I want to be that innocent girl again where I done something because I had a passion and love for it , not for the money or fame.
Lets all get back to the inner child, help a stranger, give a smile away for free you might be suprised with the reward you get back