Trying to

RELAX.
It is just so hard to do when my mind is spinning at 100km a second.
People say that when you are about to die your life flashes before your eyes, I do not know what that is like, I just wonder if it is anything like what I live everyday, even when I am "sidetracked" and focused on something else things are still spinning and flashing in the back of my head it is there 24/7 and not even sleeping makes it go away.
I had a dream the other night I was on a train and my daughter fell and hurt herself walking from the dining cart back to her seat where I was waiting.
She was calling and crying for me, I got up from my chair to run to her but the corridor of the train got so long, it streched every step I took the distance to my daughter for further away.
That is how my life feels every moment of the day, no matter what I do in life I keep going backwards, well that is how I feel.
When I do something right in life it is not like I expect everyone to pat me on the back or throw a party but I surly do not expect to be punished.
I care for my daughter want the best for HER, not for me, not for her father but what is in the best interest for her, and I get punished for it. The legal system in Belgium really needs a good checkup and overhaul.
My life is insane for me right now and there is nothing I can do about it, with saying that it seems the answer is to just forget about it because I can not change it, be happy and go with the flow, this is my life and I never planned on giving control to it to anyone but my life is controlled by the Belgium legal system.
I had a talk to my boyfriend the other day about having a baby, We have wanted one for years, this is how the conversation went.

ME: I want a baby my body screams for it but I do not want your baby, let me explain.
BF: Yes maybe you should.
ME: You know I want a baby but with how things have panned out over the last few years I can not go through it again if someone takes my child away from me for NO REASON!
BF: I totally understand but know I think your a great mother and I would never take that away from you.
ME: I feel it is safer if I just have a baby and not tell anyone who the father is or the father not even knowing then they can't take the child away from me.

This is not implying I am going to go out and sleep with someone I do not know to have a baby I am not that bloody stupid, that's putting my own health and life in danger, I am sure you all understand where I am coming from when I say it.
These are the totally stupid thoughts that I am thinking because of what the Belgium arseholes have put me though over the last 6 years.
When will this headache stop? You know I have marked on a calendar days I have a headache and I have had a constant headache for over 4 months now and before that I was only headache free for 3 day over the last 8 months and that was because I turned to drink when I was stressed.
When will this fucking insanity stop? When will I feel what it is like to be healthy and happy? The day I die ? As right now I am not even get rest even when I sleep.