Thursday 13

13 reasons why I cant cry anymore

I have sat here thinking of 13 reasons why I can not cry anymore, but it all boils down to the 1 thing, All this shit my ex has been putting me through, the truth is I still can cry I just do not let anyone know it.
Sometimes in the morning when my boyfriend leaves the house at 6am to go to work I can not go back to sleep, I do not have to work til 9.. The reason I can not go to sleep is my mind is busy about my daughter, I cry and cry and I will fall asleep only to be woken minutes later to get ready for work.
Some people get up in the middle of the night to have a toilet break, not me, I wake from nightmares and cry into my pillow so no one can hear me at 3am.

Today, I was at work and like always bitched to my boss about the ex and the weather I was not mad or upset, just frustrated, My boss said to me she finds it so sad I can not cry anymore ( we had a talk over not being able to cry last week) and then it was just usually crap timing my cell phone rang, it was a Belgian number, just my luck so I answered, it was the visiting room that the judge has appointed for my "supervised visits" why the fuck I need to be supervised I got no clue!
I was the one who has been there for the last 8 years of my daughters life,
I was the one she ran to when she hurt herself,
I was the one there when she lost her first tooth, seen her first snow fall, hugged her when she had nightmares,
now I am the one living in a nightmare and no one to hug me!
They have arranged a time for them to see my daughter and explain to her the meaning of the visiting room (house) As if she is going to care, all she wants and asks for is me!
every time I talk to her on the phone she is asking when she can see me , when the child protection CHECKS UP on my ex my daughter asks "when can I see mum, I really want to see mum" (make note they need to keep a close eye on him as they do not trust him which is also stated in their reports)
So anyways it is taking atleast another 6 weeks before they MIGHT have a date for me to visit my own daughter! Then after that I get a visit every 14 days for 90 minutes, after 3 visits they do an evaluation.
This is the twilight zone I tell you, I can not believe the crap I have to go through and why ? Because I am a good mother ?
Because I was born in the wrong country ?
My language ?
oh yes that's right, they are doing what is "in the best interest of the child" that is why the appeal court ignored all the child protection reports, that is why she is living with her father who STILL insists on her sleeping in the same bed as him which mind you WAS stated in the child protection report they have GRAVE concerns over. This is why I fought in every way I knew how for someone to stand up and wake up for the best interest of my child! My cries, my pleads have fallen on deaf ears and why cant I cry anymore?
I feel if I let the flood gates open, if I start to cry I may not stop.
Friends tell me I keep myself to busy, I spread myself thin, I need to learn to slow down, Why ? So I have more time to think over how badly my daughter has been treated?
to think why does no one care about her ?
Is she just another number in the system?
I wonder who can I contact ?
who can I get to listen to me ?
the Queen of The Netherlands ?
Maybe the Prince who has 2 daughters,
Maybe the King of Belgium ? Who has very strong points of view on family welfare,
Oprah ?
Dr Phil ?
who is going to listen to my daughters cries ? A 7 year old who has no voice when it comes to the legal system and then there is Me, an outsider who tries to get my daughters cries and pleas heard but again, I have no voice in the legal system as I am not "one of them"